A
Lesson - How to detach from the family...
and yow you could do too now
The
young woman who wants a car...
It's
long ago, in Paris, France, traffic is intense but acceptable. She
wants to have her own new car. She wants a small Fiat 500, 'le pot de
yogurt'... She found a red one... that she can afford.
A
bunch of guys are selling it for... I forgot the price. After
changing the tires etc.. she decided to get it.... She only has
enough money for the down payment and needs a credit to complete the
deal. After looking up in the French directory, 'le bottin', she
found a reasonable financial establishment, a hole in the wall of a
big building, which had the money, could advance it to her at an
acceptable return rate.
Very
proudly she makes the deal and gets - not the girl, but- the car.
Her
first move is to go home and show her new acquisition to her mother,
who lives in the suburbs of Paris.
When
the mother sees the car and learns how her daughter went to perfect
strangers to borrow money, she had a fit... let's say that she took
very personally as an insult that maybe her daughter didn't: use her,
trust her, give her enough importance... to ask her for the money.
The
fact is: the growing up daughter, consciously or unconsciously wanted
to get out of the family loop mostly created by the mother. Loop
where she, the daughter, would receive many things with no expectancy
of return, thus not being taught to be responsible for her desires or
actions.
Guided
by love, the mother's resistance to see reality forced her to still
consider her children as little babies for whom we do everything.
Until now, she had had no reason to change the typical martyr attitude
that could allow her the genuine right to complain and blame anything
and anybody. She was desperately trying to bring back the attention
onto her with the implicit sentence: “look what you're doing to
me....”
Now, that was one family...
You
may answer a few questions that could help you understand better what
your life learning has been that decided who you are now …
What
was your family dynamics?
What
was your family attitude?
What
were your intention and attitude?
What
other comments would you add to this?NB.
I'd like to know how the girl felt after her mother confronted her. Did she feel confident in her decision or guilty,...? Did she still feel proud? Would she return the car? It's seem that how she chooses to respond to her mother is important. Next time something significant happens, she may be reluctant to go home or share with her mother.
ReplyDeleteAs a mother myself, I (struggle) am learning to see past myself to the moment before passing judgement. There's nothing worse than the person you want to trust the most (parent) betraying you.
Debbie, thank you for your comments. To answer your questions ...
Delete#1- the girl felt confident and happy with herself. She was taking a risk and knew she could be responsible for it.
#2 - She kept the car - it meant becoming an adult for her.
#3 - The mother could have chosen to be proud of her own job at raising a child she could have trusted (both of them) more
It is easier to talk about the past. When it happens in the present time, Having establish rapport with the person, asking questions about the intention, what will that do for you? How will you feel? or and then what will happen?... all those can help. Parenting is a difficult job. - nb -
Thank you, Nicole. How empowering for the young girl and how sad for the mother. She missed out on getting to share in the girls joy. I would like to be able to say I have never respond to my son like that, but the truth is I have/ I have rushed to judge and commented inappropriately. It is a hard job but thankfully I can learn to be better.
Delete